July 4th

Last night I overhead someone ask my husband, "How was your 4th?" It seemed like such a wierd question to me but that is because, like so many other holidays and regular days, the fourth of July just isn't the same for us anymore. They are full of memories of what used to be and struggles with trying not to think too much about what should still be. I think sometimes that because time has passed and we look okay, that people assume life has returned to normal for us. Our lives will never be what they once were. I have hope for our future but the here and now is still hard. While many people were celebrating, having cookouts and watching fireworks, I was remembering. I was thinking back to July 4th, 2000, the day that Mason was conceived and God granted the true desire of my heart. I was remembering July 30, 2008, the night that we went to our last baseball game together. It was a Christmas in July event and after the game, while waiting for autographs, one of the players gave Mason a signed game bat. Mas was so excited about it. On the way home, he decided to give the bat to his Grandpa because he loved baseball and was too poor growing up to have a bat. I'll never forget what the love in Mason's eyes looked like or how I felt as a parent that night. I was recalling Christmas Day, 2009, his last Christmas here when we had July 4th on Christmas because Mas wanted hot dogs and cheeseburgers for Christmas dinner. He was in so much post operative pain and didn't really want to eat, but he could always eat hot dogs and cheeseburgers. I can't put into words how much I miss his love but how I miss all of the little things, too, like baseball games and hot dogs and cheeseburgers.