The 11th

It is Wednesday, the 11th - the same day of the week and the same day of the month that Mason went home to heaven, 18 months ago. I can't imagine how it could be that I have survived 18 months without him here! It is only by God's grace and mercy that I get through each day and night with this ginormous whole in my heart. I still remember one of the first conversations that I had with God after Mas died, asking God to please make the time pass quickly. The thought of crossing off days without Mason on my calendar, thinking it's been x days since I ... with him, made me feel sick everywhere. God has truly answered that prayer. It has only gotten easier, though, in the respect that the pain isn't quite so constant and consuming, but when it comes, it is still just as overwhelming and I find that I am less prepared for it than I was previously. I expected it constantly for a while but now it sneaks up on me and grabs me when I least expect it. I know from the stillbirth of our first baby that we'll never get over this, get past it or move on. We just learn how to cope and hopefully how to continue to grow. I feel like growth is difficult sometimes, even after all of this time, because we are still very much in the middle of everything that happened, the knowledge that we now have and where we go from here with it all. Jenny's 13th birthday is Sunday, her second one without her very loved and loving brother. I wanted so badly to give her something really special this year but there isn't enough stuff in the world to come anywhere near close to how special her brother was. How I wish she were able to celebrate this milestone birthday with him here. How I wish we could all share that and I know it's just silly, but how I wish I could go back to when my life felt perfect.