People seem to put so much emphasis on getting past the firsts and then somehow life is supposed to get better. I knew life wouldn't magically get better after our firsts had passed but I wasn't prepared for how difficult the seconds have been so far. As the day that marked a year since Mason died was approaching, I was having a very hard time with the thoughts of starting a new year completely without him. Part of me wanted the year that he died to end but another part just as big didn't want a new year to begin, a year that he wouldn't be part of at all. I had never heard anyone say anything like that so I wondered if it was maybe just my own warped sense or nonsense of it all. I think maybe the seconds are so hard, partly because it's never easy but by the time that the seconds come around, people think you are okay and that you have gotten over it. We have a friend whose husband went to Heaven not too long after Mason and she just passed his one year mark. When I saw her recently, she looked like I remember feeling - not at all better after having crossed that "milestone." I asked her if she felt ... (like I did) and she nodded her head. This journey isn't about making it to or through the firsts or the seconds. It is about making it through each day, one at a time, relying on God to give you the strength and peace that you need and being thankful for the little things, including the opportunities to help someone else make it through their day whenever you can.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Year After
People seem to put so much emphasis on getting past the firsts and then somehow life is supposed to get better. I knew life wouldn't magically get better after our firsts had passed but I wasn't prepared for how difficult the seconds have been so far. As the day that marked a year since Mason died was approaching, I was having a very hard time with the thoughts of starting a new year completely without him. Part of me wanted the year that he died to end but another part just as big didn't want a new year to begin, a year that he wouldn't be part of at all. I had never heard anyone say anything like that so I wondered if it was maybe just my own warped sense or nonsense of it all. I think maybe the seconds are so hard, partly because it's never easy but by the time that the seconds come around, people think you are okay and that you have gotten over it. We have a friend whose husband went to Heaven not too long after Mason and she just passed his one year mark. When I saw her recently, she looked like I remember feeling - not at all better after having crossed that "milestone." I asked her if she felt ... (like I did) and she nodded her head. This journey isn't about making it to or through the firsts or the seconds. It is about making it through each day, one at a time, relying on God to give you the strength and peace that you need and being thankful for the little things, including the opportunities to help someone else make it through their day whenever you can.
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You are so right. I think that one of the hardest things for me is the reality of everyone expecting me to be okay now that "time" has passed. It is almost like it isn't okay anymore to be not okay.
ReplyDeleteNobody can accept the fact that things will never be allright again and that whatever happiness or joy is seen in us by others is actually nothing more than us "barely making it". It is just too much for anyone else to comprehend. (Though, I am thankful to have a few people who actually do try.)
One day at a time,
Angie
You are so right MB, the year after I think is one of the most difficult times. I'm sure it's different with a child, but the year following the anniversary of when my Mom died was the one I had the most difficulty with. Everyone thought that I must be "over it" and so as they all went on, I was left standing still. I wish I could say the words to comfort you but I know there is no such thing. When I'm feeling particularly low I try to remember that I will see Mom again. I often think of your Mason when I think of Mom; wondering if they know each other in heaven.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you often
Becky
xoxoxoxoxoxo... <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI would not normally tell a griefing mom this (but since you already seem to know)...I thought the second year was harder than the first. And I think it might be, at least in part, for the reason you mentioned. I think I even expected or convinced myself that if I could simply survive that first year..it had to be better the next. Completely unrealistic and not my reality. Although I did have the reassurance from the "first year" of God's faithfulness and provision....if He was faithful to walk with me those first months, I kept telling myself He will do the same from here on out.
ReplyDeletePraying that God will show Himself mighty and good to you specifically this week....
Hugs - Jennifer