Every day seems like "one of those days." I'm getting past feeling like I have to say, "Good, thanks, how about you?" when people ask how we are doing. We're not good. We are okay, but every day is hard. Some days are really hard and some days are excruciating. Like the days when I pull out four place settings for a meal or catch myself saying, "party of four", at a restaurant, or when Jenny doesn't have a ride partner for the crazy fair rides or when she finds an antique Mason jar seal on a hike at environmental camp, or when I hear a parent complaining about their kids or their summer or someone asks me how many children I have. Then there are the nights where we go to bed exhausted, but we are woken up repeatedly by dreams that make us even more tired. Often, in the mornings, for just a split second, I think my life is still perfect, the way it was, but I quickly remember that I am living what I would have described as my worst nightmare. A bizarre nauseated feeling comes over me and I unable to get certain images and thoughts out of my head, so I get up, try to refocus and try to stay busy, living another day the best that I can until I get to be done with all of this. I don't grieve as someone with no hope. I do have hope. I don't have all of the words to explain it and I don't even fully understand it, but I do have hope. It just isn't here.
Ride on, cowboy. I sure do miss riding life with you. We rode hard but you made it easy.
MB,
ReplyDeletePrecious woman, friend and mommy. I love you so, I know what you mean about grieving with hope, I know what that split moment feels like, I know what it is like to hear of moms and daughters doing something together, or people complaining about their moms, or their moms coming and helping them out with their kids. It doesn't make any sense in the world, but thankfully we have a Lord who gives us peace when we don't expect it, and when the saddness comes, He is there. I love you, I CANNOT imagine the pain, but I know the saddness, please know we are here, we love you and we are praying for you daily.
"Life goes on" is the term that is used so loosely and "Time will make it better" would be another one of those, but "life" and "time" are different for you and some fail to realize that. Foot-in-Mouth-Syndrome is what my friend Lynelle's husband Norman would call that. Some people are thoughtless and insensitive... they may not mean to be, but they are. I'm sorry that I cannot give you a hug. I'm not sure if it would make you feel better, but maybe it would? <3
ReplyDeleteI do not know you, but I am a mother and my heart aches for you. I love the pictures you post of Mason, so full of life and enjoying every minute of being a little boy. I will keep you in my prayers and I pray that God fill your heart with peace to carry you forward.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog and read all about your sweet Mason. I am so sorry. We lost our son, Grayson, almost 7 years ago to SIDS, it was sudden and very unexpected. He was a healthy baby, growing and thriving. We now have three more kids, but I will forever grieve over Grayson. I know the pain you are going through and my heart hurts for you and your family. Even though I don't know you, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.tutusandchoochoos.blogspot.com
Thank you for letting us know your sweet Mason.
A hug from Texas - Kelley