Holding On

I took this picture last year on the huge ferris wheel at the State Fair. I was trying to get a shot of Mason's face, with one hand on the camera, because my other hand was around him and he was holding it. He wasn't holding my hand because he was scared. That's just always where his hand was - in mine. My attempt at capturing the look on his face failed, but this picture so clearly, to me, shows our love.

Nine years ago I was at the end of a very long discussion with God about having another baby, or not. I was an only child, not counting my older brother who was stillborn. I didn't see a problem with Jenny being an only child, not counting her older sister who was stillborn. Jason didn't like the idea but he didn't push the issue. We had one healthy child. I didn't want to count my chickens, or babies as it were. And, truth be told, Jenny was a real handful and I didn't think I could do a good job mothering another. Little did we know then just how smart Jenny was and why she was so high maintenance. I woke up in the morning on July 4th, remembering that in my dreams, God had told me that I was going to have another baby, a boy, and he was going to be due on my beloved Grandfather's birthday. For once, I didn't really ask any questions. I was just so happy that I didn't have to make the decision about whether to have another baby or not, as if it was mine to make. Not so surprisingly, since God told me it was to be, that night, our firecracker was born inside of me. I knew immediately. The specifics were confirmed a few months later during a routine ultrasound. He was in fact a he and my due date was changed to be, yes, my Grandfather's birthday. However, Mason made us wait another ten days, until April Fools Day, to join the earth apart from me.

Today I am in another long discussion with God about how it is that I am going to live in this world without that little firecracker. After he was born, I didn't know how I ever lived without him and now he has joined Heaven apart from me.

Sometimes I still feel his hand in mine. I feel his love leading me on. Just sometimes I don't want to go anywhere but where he is.