When I started this blog I resolved to post every Wednesday, the day that Mason died and also the day that his birthday fell on this year. So far, each week it was getting easier to do. Until tonight. I have had a hard week and it's only the middle. The week started with Memorial Day... another day that we should have spent together. Instead, I spent it painting the memorial bench for Mason's elementary school. I feel mad. I feel bitter. I feel completely sad. I have more questions than I have answers. I have tried hard to not think about the things I won't get to do with Mason and instead try to focus on being thankful for all of the things I got to do (which I truly am). But it's not the things that I'll never get to do with him that are hurting me, like the prom or graduation or watching him grow into the wonderful man I knew he'd be. It's the continuation, or lack thereof, of doing the things that I so loved doing with and for him. Mason is everywhere I look, but not here at all. I ache for his love to the very bottom of my soul.Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Nothing Good to Say
When I started this blog I resolved to post every Wednesday, the day that Mason died and also the day that his birthday fell on this year. So far, each week it was getting easier to do. Until tonight. I have had a hard week and it's only the middle. The week started with Memorial Day... another day that we should have spent together. Instead, I spent it painting the memorial bench for Mason's elementary school. I feel mad. I feel bitter. I feel completely sad. I have more questions than I have answers. I have tried hard to not think about the things I won't get to do with Mason and instead try to focus on being thankful for all of the things I got to do (which I truly am). But it's not the things that I'll never get to do with him that are hurting me, like the prom or graduation or watching him grow into the wonderful man I knew he'd be. It's the continuation, or lack thereof, of doing the things that I so loved doing with and for him. Mason is everywhere I look, but not here at all. I ache for his love to the very bottom of my soul.
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My precious MaryBeth. Sometimes it doesn't seem real to me, that he is in heaven with my mom, that we will never fully get to know him, that your beautiful child was taken home so soon, and you know what, that is okay. God is big and He can take it all. We have in mind what our lives should be, but God has in mind what our lives are. He was not taken by surprise, and through this He will be glorified, and on days like this, He wants us to share with Him how we feel, don't hide, He is big, He can handle it. I love you and I know you know all of this, but for me sometimes it is good to hear all of it. You are in my constant prayers, love you!
ReplyDeleteMaryBeth,
ReplyDeletethis is my first time visiting your site. I'm Cody's father. I noticed that somebody visited my site from yours.
There are no words that can be said to comfort parents in our position. The pain is real and time just can't pass quick enough. Your Mason had a beautiful smile. I pray there is a heaven and that Mason and my Cody are playing right now.
If I might ask, how did you lose your son? I tried to read back through your blog but I couldn't get that far back. Feel free to contact me through my blog. Days in the life.
God Bless,
Deck Ape
I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Mary Beth. Mason is so handsome. I love his sweet smile. He reminds me of my little brother (back when he was a boy). I can see the joy in his eyes. I imagine that joy is perfected as he giggles and plays in the glory of heaven. Please let me know if there is anything we can do...I know that no words can comfort or fix the ocean of pain. But...we can certainly pray. And we will...
ReplyDeletePraying that you will feel the loving arms of God and that you will be comforted with his daily sufficient grace as He carries you...
In His Grace,
Kelly Gerken
Sufficient Grace Ministries