Today is Mason's 8th birthday, no fooling, and it is also exactly 7 weeks since he went to heaven. I have resisted the blog bug for a long time, but today I'm allowing the bite.In this time of so much uncertainty, I am trying to keep my thoughts contained to the things I know (thank you, Pastor Doug) and leave the rest to God. It helps, so for at least the time being, this blog will be about the things I know. I know that Mason loves his best bud (or brother from another mother),T.J., and T.J.'s Mom had a fantabulous idea when she offered to bring over 8 balloons for us to write messages to Mason on and then set free. What a great new tradition this will be for us. We each wrote a special thought to Mas on our balloons and then went outside to let them go. We saved one balloon for Mason and didn't write anything on it. That is the one that I let go. We watched them until they went above the clouds and we couldn't see them anymore.
I wasn't able to tell Mason that it was okay to let go of the here and now if he wanted or needed to. I was somehow okay with that only because I knew it meant letting God. If there is anything at all that I regret, that is the one thing. I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't when the chance came. I didn't really think of it until I started writing this post but letting Mason's balloon go felt deeper than the obvious - and it was good.
Happy birthday, my sweet boy. I so wish that we could have watched you play and be happy today but I know you are, so we just have to trust and see it when we close our eyes. I long to feel your hugs, kisses and hand in mine and I long to hear, "Momma, I love you - so much". So until then, I'm still here, you're still in my heart and I'll keep my eyes and ears open, just like I promised. Here is where I would say that I love you more than anything and you would remind me that God was at the top of the list, so I'll just say, "I love you" and I know that you know how much.
What a beautiful tradition. I am sorry you are hurting. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine your pain and loss in your heart. I think of you so much and I know you will in time, make it through each day a bit easier than the one before. You are a special mommy and a wonderful person. What a special birthday tradition you have started for your special Mason. He is now your angel and I am sure it doesn't help the pain you are feeling now, but he certainly will be watching over you always. I believe that.
ReplyDeleteLove you so much. You are constantly in my prayers, I am so glad that you are doing this, something so tangible. I thought of you yesterday, but couldn't get to my computer all day and my cell is out of minutes. Can't wait to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Mason -
ReplyDeleteMaryBeth I hope that this blog gives you a chance to feel even a small comfort by sharing some of the thoughts in your heart. This was a truly wonderful way to remember your son on his birthday and to send him love, thank you for sharing it with us.
Your family is always in my thoughts, I hope that your pain is beginning to heal.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful way to celebrate Mason's birthday.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that we could share yesterday with you. It was very special to TJ and I. You are a special family and you have a special guardian angel always looking after you. You are in my thoughts often.
ReplyDeleteBecky and TJ
MaryBeth,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to seeing you writing and working through the thoughts that I know race through your head all day.
I think of Mason often. The other day, I was listening to Scott Simon on NPR and he said something that struck me as so perfect and so true of your boy: "I think that some lives are like diamonds. They pack a lot of light and brilliance into a small space."
He was such a little diamond (or firecracker! That would work, too!)
Hugs to you!
I am so sorry for your loss!!!! Mason was such a handsome little man!!
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you!
Alyson