Flashbacks

On this day in 2001 I got clinical confirmation that I was pregnant with Mason. I already knew in my heart, but it was good to see, and an awesome day because it was also the same day that Jason and I had first met, back in 1995. This year, today is a Wednesday, and this year, Mason died on a Wednesday and his birthday was on a Wednesday, too. I always liked Wednesdays because the week was half over and the weekend, when we could all spend more time together, was almost here. Now, instead of feeling like I have crossed over the hump, the middle of the week just reminds me of how far I still have to climb. Today, I was in the operating room at "work" for the first time since Mason's surgery. I didn't give it a thought until I got in there, but the surroundings sent me back like time travel in the movies. The white, the masks, the monitors, the noises, all flashed me back to walking with my precious boy into the OR, helping him climb onto the table, sweeping his soft hair (which was getting long, much to my dismay) away from his sweet face, kissing him and telling him that I loved him as the anesthesiologist put the mask on his face. They had warned me that he might fight the mask but he didn't at all. He breathed in just as he was instructed (all that relaxation breathing that we had done was beneficial in so many situations) and quickly went to sleep. Leaving him there was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but I trusted the team, it was supposed to be routine and he was going to be awake and ready to go home in just a few hours, or so we thought. To say my life drastically changed the day Mason died would be an understatement, but really, that day is when it changed because things were never the same after I left him in the OR. I do still laugh at how hilarious he was that morning. I wish I had it on video. He drew quite the crowd to his pre-op room and he was an absolute riot, in true Mason style. Gosh, I miss him. He had it all, including a broken heart for those who were hurting. I was in the hardware store last week and overheard a conversation between two men. One was telling the other how great he looked because he had lost weight and he asked if his wife had stopped feeding him. The man who looked good replied that his wife had passed away recently. My heart sunk and I felt so bad for both the man who stuck his foot in his mouth and the man who looked good on the outside but certainly didn't feel that way on the inside. So, today I encourage those of you who read these ramblings of mine to take a few minutes and step outside of your zone. Pray for someone, anyone, even someone you don't even know. There are multitudes of people in this world who are hurting for a myriad of reasons. Pray to God for their peace and comfort. Better yet, truly put yourself second and do something to help someone, even if it's just offering your shoulder. There is a lot of work to be done here.

I should add that we still do not know why Mason died and I don't blame his medical team or the surgery, although there were some very troubling times throughout the whole ordeal. Ultimately, even if we do find that there is someone to "blame", if this wasn't part of God's plan, the outcome wouldn't have been what it is. So, I continue to trust that this, like all things for those who believe, will work for good.