So Thankful

We have been hesitant to publicize it just yet, but we are experiencing a true miracle. It's just too hard not to share and give thanks and praise for what it is - a true gift from God. For the first time in almost two years, I have a glimpse of sunshine on the horizon. We are having a baby! Although this child is growing inside me, it is safe in His arms. Mas asked constantly for a little brother or sister, preferably brother. There is some sadness that he's not here to share this with us, but the truth is we wouldn't have this baby if Mas were still here. What an even more awesome reunion we will have in Heaven now!

It Takes Both

I have been reflecting on some words that I saw on a bracelet today.

It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow.

I'm looking forward to the sunshine.

The 11th

It is Wednesday, the 11th - the same day of the week and the same day of the month that Mason went home to heaven, 18 months ago. I can't imagine how it could be that I have survived 18 months without him here! It is only by God's grace and mercy that I get through each day and night with this ginormous whole in my heart. I still remember one of the first conversations that I had with God after Mas died, asking God to please make the time pass quickly. The thought of crossing off days without Mason on my calendar, thinking it's been x days since I ... with him, made me feel sick everywhere. God has truly answered that prayer. It has only gotten easier, though, in the respect that the pain isn't quite so constant and consuming, but when it comes, it is still just as overwhelming and I find that I am less prepared for it than I was previously. I expected it constantly for a while but now it sneaks up on me and grabs me when I least expect it. I know from the stillbirth of our first baby that we'll never get over this, get past it or move on. We just learn how to cope and hopefully how to continue to grow. I feel like growth is difficult sometimes, even after all of this time, because we are still very much in the middle of everything that happened, the knowledge that we now have and where we go from here with it all. Jenny's 13th birthday is Sunday, her second one without her very loved and loving brother. I wanted so badly to give her something really special this year but there isn't enough stuff in the world to come anywhere near close to how special her brother was. How I wish she were able to celebrate this milestone birthday with him here. How I wish we could all share that and I know it's just silly, but how I wish I could go back to when my life felt perfect.

July 4th

Last night I overhead someone ask my husband, "How was your 4th?" It seemed like such a wierd question to me but that is because, like so many other holidays and regular days, the fourth of July just isn't the same for us anymore. They are full of memories of what used to be and struggles with trying not to think too much about what should still be. I think sometimes that because time has passed and we look okay, that people assume life has returned to normal for us. Our lives will never be what they once were. I have hope for our future but the here and now is still hard. While many people were celebrating, having cookouts and watching fireworks, I was remembering. I was thinking back to July 4th, 2000, the day that Mason was conceived and God granted the true desire of my heart. I was remembering July 30, 2008, the night that we went to our last baseball game together. It was a Christmas in July event and after the game, while waiting for autographs, one of the players gave Mason a signed game bat. Mas was so excited about it. On the way home, he decided to give the bat to his Grandpa because he loved baseball and was too poor growing up to have a bat. I'll never forget what the love in Mason's eyes looked like or how I felt as a parent that night. I was recalling Christmas Day, 2009, his last Christmas here when we had July 4th on Christmas because Mas wanted hot dogs and cheeseburgers for Christmas dinner. He was in so much post operative pain and didn't really want to eat, but he could always eat hot dogs and cheeseburgers. I can't put into words how much I miss his love but how I miss all of the little things, too, like baseball games and hot dogs and cheeseburgers.